Some days I wake up, alone, well unless you count my cat, who generally sleeps right on top of me in some fashion or another. I can’t imagine how his nights go seeing as I toss and turn in my sleep quite often. The night must be filled with him constantly being woken up and having to reposition. I often wonder why he doesn’t just pick another spot to sleep seeing as I have raised him since he was a kitten and he continues to insist on his spot.
Which is not to say that I don’t enjoy it.
There is something about his low soft purr and warmth that in general makes sleeping much easier.
Other days I wake up next to someone, which is also nice depending on the person and circumstance.
Today was the former. Waking up at 6am from a dream that I only vaguely remember. I dragged myself out of bed and to a class that had been canceled and now I am here, sitting in the coffee shop/ café at my school. Wasting time till my next class.
I write in fragments apparently.
I also hate word, what a horrible program (laughing at the irony of using said program to type this).
The girl who works mornings at this café knows my face by now and also knows that I will always come in with some ridiculously weird drink order and a generous tip for putting up with me and always making my drink perfectly.
Today I ordered a spicy soy chai with a shot of espresso in it. (my favorite)
Anyway….
Here I am, listening to music on my laptop writing as if I have something interesting to say. The café is pretty empty (as it usually is in the mornings, it will get busier after my next class and I will cross my fingers in hopes that my favorite table is open, as it is perfectly located near an outlet and in view of the entire café.)
Something that I have always known but never really thought about is the amount of conversations I do in my head. Often I will be talking with someone and my mind is so busy the conversation that I don’t realize that I am not speaking. People often tell me that I am too quiet and generally I laugh at them because I am not quiet at all, or at least it doesn’t seem so to me considering that I hear my own thoughts. Perhaps it is a learned habit in an attempt to not have to explain myself so much. Often my references to various topics are missed by most. (not to say that I am incredibly smart or whatever, nothing like that at all. In fact I often feel like a vault of useless and uninteresting knowledge and associations that sometimes I don’t even find amusing).
Today there is a few “business” meetings taking place in the café. I instantly feel out of place. Young business professionals or students of the art sitting and conversing (I cannot hear their conversations because I have head phones on but typically I do not find their conversations interesting.
What I do find interesting however is their non-verbal language and the weird uncomfortable attire they wear. I wonder, will I have to dress like that when I get my PhD in psychology. Can I be taken seriously dressing as I do? Perhaps once I have my degree and whatever honors and what not I acquire (this is of course assuming I will which is slightly narcissistic however is based on past experiences of school so it cannot be that far off). I must admit the thought of me being some accepted eccentric brilliant psychologist is a bit of a wet dream. Which makes my true goal sound something like this: Be as weird as I can be while still being accepted as just being too brilliant to conform to standards. Which is not entirely the case or the truth though it would be a nice afterthought.
My true goal is to help as many people as I can find their way to happiness and to create a reality for myself that aligns with my own happiness.
The nice thing about my goal is that it allows for plenty of room to do just about anything because I can find a way to cheer people up and implant thoughts that can lead to them discovering their own form of happiness. So the goals or aspirations I have can easily be changed to align with my ultimate goal. This has caused fluidity in my life that has both helped and hindered my progress. Due to this fluidity I have been allowed to change majors, move, and take time off with little to no guilt. However, this does mean that I will have a bit of a crunch considering the fact that I would like to have a family at some point in my life. My current path will not allow for family, kids and what not until my mid 30’s which is perfectly acceptable though not totally ideal.
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