Being a hermit in today's world is difficult and often frustrating. However, being an extrovert who is friends with an introvert can be equally frustrating. Here I will propose a few tips and advice when dealing with your "local hermit."
First let us examine "your local hermit." What do I mean? Well by local I mean in a sense of being in your world. This article is focused on how to deal with "your" more introverted friends. Hermit as in the sense of being introverted and possibly a homebody.
1. Do not get upset at the hermit for not taking you up on that invite to go out anywhere public and full of people.
What you hear: "I don't like you and don't want to hang out with you"
What they mean: "I don't have enough energy to deal with the public today" Or "I don't feel like/ like that sort of activity"
Explanation: Typically introverts do not enjoy being in big groups of people and can often feel uncomfortable in those situations. Your introverted friend may not take you up on every offer to hang out because of this fact. It is not that they do not enjoy hanging out with you, in fact you should rarely question the introverts standing with you. If they consider you a friend then you are their friend and they enjoy your company. Introverts are very straight forward about friendship because they do not feel the need to be social or have many friends they keep in touch with only those they actually like and only call those people friends. Try inviting your hermit to something that is small and quiet or better yet ask if you can come over to their abode! More often then not it is very difficult to drag the hermit out of the comfort of their own sanctuary and away from their many projects so if you ask to come over then you are much more likely to get a "yes" response because you are not dragging them away from anything at that point. Then after you are there it is much easier to persuade them to leave because they will typically feel the need to entertain you and will quickly realize that everything in their abode is a "single player" activity.
2. Do not be surprised when your hermit shuts down around your friends.
What you hear: "I don't like your friends"
What they mean: "I don't know these people so I am going to observe and "learn" them before interacting"
Explanation: Introverts have the tendency to be very good listeners and are often interested in learning more about the people they are around before opening up to them. If you bring an introvert around your friends don't expect them to jump into the conversation as they might one on one with you. In fact it is best ease them into your friend circle by introducing them a couple at a time so that when you do invite them to a bigger gathering they are much more likely to come and jump right in because they already have the majority of the people figured out. Think back to when you befriended your introvert, I bet it took them a while to warm up to you and I bet at first they were the awkward person in the corner of some social gathering or perhaps you met through a mutual interest or a class project, something that allowed for one on one time. Try to remember how they became your friend and introduce them to your friends in a similar fashion.
And here I will have to say To be continued as I have lost my train of thought (probably shouldn't write blog posts while also trying to do work)
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
All about colors and perception!
I'm going to attempt to explain my fascination and weird connection with colors and their effect on my perception.
*deep breath*
So I have an interesting thing in my brain, I tend to link colors to things, people, emotions, sounds, etc. I am not quite sure what this is called but I can literally see or sense colors that are not actually there (no I am not tripping out all the time). Typically it is a sub-sense to my natural real senses and is something that I can chose to focus on or not. I think this sense is the reason I am so into art and color theories.
When I focus on the color of people it is often based on my interaction with them, their non-verbal signals and other various cues that I unconsciously pick up on. For example; The group of girls sitting across from me in the cafe I am hanging out at, are all very different. When I think about it and can focus and analyze the colors I am sensing I come to some interesting conclusions about myself. I feel a certain connection with the girl who seems to be resonating blues and greens, This comes from the way she is sitting and communicating with the other girls. She is less intense then the others who are various purples, reds and burnt orange. However there is a precision (sharp) and brightness to the greens she seems to project.
Then there is this couple that is always in the cafe when I am. I adore them which is to say I adore observing them because separately their colors are quiet subdued but when they come together to be close the colors change drastically and it makes me think, wow this is what love looks like. This couple unlike so many others that I observe from a day to day has really stuck out to me. I have seen each separately but it is when they are together that interests me. There seems to be this resonating in between them when they are casually sitting together talking. This line of connection that no matter how far they seem to be sitting it draws them closer. that line is an iridescent turquoise. that blends into a sort of indigo purple. When they get closer the colors get brighter and a few deep magenta's are present. The colors tend to have a pearled hint to them as they mix the closer they get. The whole color of their bodies changes as they get more and more engrossed with each other. This is not the bright fiery colors of passion or lust, I can tell when those colors spring up. This is a sort of relaxed compassion and interest. They are obviously very comfortable with each other. Neither show signs of disinterest or anxiety. At this point I stop seeing the people and start only seeing colors and sensing emotions that spring from them. Sometimes it is so overwhelming that I feel like I might cry. It is a beautiful dance of colors, shades and movement.
The problem with people like the above stated is that vibrant interesting colors tends to come with an awareness (as I try to remain as unassuming and inconspicuous as possible with my observations). I have been caught a couple times. (I'm such a creeper, or at least I must seem so. I promise my intent is not to weird anyone out but simply to observe). What would be creepy is if I were to walk up to them and ask if they would want to pose for some photo shoot (which I am seriously itching to do but cannot come up with a way to not sound like a creep). I do not think I could capture the "it" that I see.
Let's move on from me gawking at people to the subject of emotions. When I am in a particular mood or have a certain feeling I often find my world changing to certain shades of colors which can make it difficult for me to change my mood and as such I will attempt to surround myself with a color that represents a better mood. Also I will feel all out of sorts if the colors I am wearing do not accurately reflect the way I am feeling. ie; bright yellow jacket with sunflowers on it would not be appropriate for a day I am particularly dismal. The fact that colors are so intertwined with my life makes me rather easy to read once you know this. Typically you can tell by noticing how comfortable I feel in the clothes I am wearing will directly reflect how accurate the colors I am wearing are to my current mood state. HOWEVER knowing the code is important because my color-mood representations can be and often are different from what others would analyze. For instance, red is neither passion or aggression for me but often gives me a sense of caty-ness, trickery, flirtation without the intent of anything more. Sometimes red can be willpower, resolve, an important decision is to be made or has been made. I use the color red as an example because I rarely wear it (you can read into that however you would like). Again being able to read non-verbal cues is important because I could be wearing a red shirt that day and be very uncomfortable with that choice.
Another interesting connection with perception and color for me is the sense of touch. This produces what I have found to be the most intense and can often change how I perceive people. Often I can "sense" a specific color of someone but can be completely wrong or thrown off once I/ we touch. I think this is interesting because often I can close my eyes reach out my hand and touch someone and know who I touched from the color I get, though I can only do this if I have already focused on the color that appears when I touched them the first time. Like I stated before this is something that I need to be consciously focusing on to have a big impact.
To be continued...
*deep breath*
So I have an interesting thing in my brain, I tend to link colors to things, people, emotions, sounds, etc. I am not quite sure what this is called but I can literally see or sense colors that are not actually there (no I am not tripping out all the time). Typically it is a sub-sense to my natural real senses and is something that I can chose to focus on or not. I think this sense is the reason I am so into art and color theories.
When I focus on the color of people it is often based on my interaction with them, their non-verbal signals and other various cues that I unconsciously pick up on. For example; The group of girls sitting across from me in the cafe I am hanging out at, are all very different. When I think about it and can focus and analyze the colors I am sensing I come to some interesting conclusions about myself. I feel a certain connection with the girl who seems to be resonating blues and greens, This comes from the way she is sitting and communicating with the other girls. She is less intense then the others who are various purples, reds and burnt orange. However there is a precision (sharp) and brightness to the greens she seems to project.
Then there is this couple that is always in the cafe when I am. I adore them which is to say I adore observing them because separately their colors are quiet subdued but when they come together to be close the colors change drastically and it makes me think, wow this is what love looks like. This couple unlike so many others that I observe from a day to day has really stuck out to me. I have seen each separately but it is when they are together that interests me. There seems to be this resonating in between them when they are casually sitting together talking. This line of connection that no matter how far they seem to be sitting it draws them closer. that line is an iridescent turquoise. that blends into a sort of indigo purple. When they get closer the colors get brighter and a few deep magenta's are present. The colors tend to have a pearled hint to them as they mix the closer they get. The whole color of their bodies changes as they get more and more engrossed with each other. This is not the bright fiery colors of passion or lust, I can tell when those colors spring up. This is a sort of relaxed compassion and interest. They are obviously very comfortable with each other. Neither show signs of disinterest or anxiety. At this point I stop seeing the people and start only seeing colors and sensing emotions that spring from them. Sometimes it is so overwhelming that I feel like I might cry. It is a beautiful dance of colors, shades and movement.
The problem with people like the above stated is that vibrant interesting colors tends to come with an awareness (as I try to remain as unassuming and inconspicuous as possible with my observations). I have been caught a couple times. (I'm such a creeper, or at least I must seem so. I promise my intent is not to weird anyone out but simply to observe). What would be creepy is if I were to walk up to them and ask if they would want to pose for some photo shoot (which I am seriously itching to do but cannot come up with a way to not sound like a creep). I do not think I could capture the "it" that I see.
Let's move on from me gawking at people to the subject of emotions. When I am in a particular mood or have a certain feeling I often find my world changing to certain shades of colors which can make it difficult for me to change my mood and as such I will attempt to surround myself with a color that represents a better mood. Also I will feel all out of sorts if the colors I am wearing do not accurately reflect the way I am feeling. ie; bright yellow jacket with sunflowers on it would not be appropriate for a day I am particularly dismal. The fact that colors are so intertwined with my life makes me rather easy to read once you know this. Typically you can tell by noticing how comfortable I feel in the clothes I am wearing will directly reflect how accurate the colors I am wearing are to my current mood state. HOWEVER knowing the code is important because my color-mood representations can be and often are different from what others would analyze. For instance, red is neither passion or aggression for me but often gives me a sense of caty-ness, trickery, flirtation without the intent of anything more. Sometimes red can be willpower, resolve, an important decision is to be made or has been made. I use the color red as an example because I rarely wear it (you can read into that however you would like). Again being able to read non-verbal cues is important because I could be wearing a red shirt that day and be very uncomfortable with that choice.
Another interesting connection with perception and color for me is the sense of touch. This produces what I have found to be the most intense and can often change how I perceive people. Often I can "sense" a specific color of someone but can be completely wrong or thrown off once I/ we touch. I think this is interesting because often I can close my eyes reach out my hand and touch someone and know who I touched from the color I get, though I can only do this if I have already focused on the color that appears when I touched them the first time. Like I stated before this is something that I need to be consciously focusing on to have a big impact.
To be continued...
Early morning ramblings (updates on life)
Some days I wake up, alone, well unless you count my cat, who generally sleeps right on top of me in some fashion or another. I can’t imagine how his nights go seeing as I toss and turn in my sleep quite often. The night must be filled with him constantly being woken up and having to reposition. I often wonder why he doesn’t just pick another spot to sleep seeing as I have raised him since he was a kitten and he continues to insist on his spot.
Which is not to say that I don’t enjoy it.
There is something about his low soft purr and warmth that in general makes sleeping much easier.
Other days I wake up next to someone, which is also nice depending on the person and circumstance.
Today was the former. Waking up at 6am from a dream that I only vaguely remember. I dragged myself out of bed and to a class that had been canceled and now I am here, sitting in the coffee shop/ café at my school. Wasting time till my next class.
I write in fragments apparently.
I also hate word, what a horrible program (laughing at the irony of using said program to type this).
The girl who works mornings at this café knows my face by now and also knows that I will always come in with some ridiculously weird drink order and a generous tip for putting up with me and always making my drink perfectly.
Today I ordered a spicy soy chai with a shot of espresso in it. (my favorite)
Anyway….
Here I am, listening to music on my laptop writing as if I have something interesting to say. The café is pretty empty (as it usually is in the mornings, it will get busier after my next class and I will cross my fingers in hopes that my favorite table is open, as it is perfectly located near an outlet and in view of the entire café.)
Something that I have always known but never really thought about is the amount of conversations I do in my head. Often I will be talking with someone and my mind is so busy the conversation that I don’t realize that I am not speaking. People often tell me that I am too quiet and generally I laugh at them because I am not quiet at all, or at least it doesn’t seem so to me considering that I hear my own thoughts. Perhaps it is a learned habit in an attempt to not have to explain myself so much. Often my references to various topics are missed by most. (not to say that I am incredibly smart or whatever, nothing like that at all. In fact I often feel like a vault of useless and uninteresting knowledge and associations that sometimes I don’t even find amusing).
Today there is a few “business” meetings taking place in the café. I instantly feel out of place. Young business professionals or students of the art sitting and conversing (I cannot hear their conversations because I have head phones on but typically I do not find their conversations interesting.
What I do find interesting however is their non-verbal language and the weird uncomfortable attire they wear. I wonder, will I have to dress like that when I get my PhD in psychology. Can I be taken seriously dressing as I do? Perhaps once I have my degree and whatever honors and what not I acquire (this is of course assuming I will which is slightly narcissistic however is based on past experiences of school so it cannot be that far off). I must admit the thought of me being some accepted eccentric brilliant psychologist is a bit of a wet dream. Which makes my true goal sound something like this: Be as weird as I can be while still being accepted as just being too brilliant to conform to standards. Which is not entirely the case or the truth though it would be a nice afterthought.
My true goal is to help as many people as I can find their way to happiness and to create a reality for myself that aligns with my own happiness.
The nice thing about my goal is that it allows for plenty of room to do just about anything because I can find a way to cheer people up and implant thoughts that can lead to them discovering their own form of happiness. So the goals or aspirations I have can easily be changed to align with my ultimate goal. This has caused fluidity in my life that has both helped and hindered my progress. Due to this fluidity I have been allowed to change majors, move, and take time off with little to no guilt. However, this does mean that I will have a bit of a crunch considering the fact that I would like to have a family at some point in my life. My current path will not allow for family, kids and what not until my mid 30’s which is perfectly acceptable though not totally ideal.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Social Experiment
Social Experiment Time!
So I have a good amount of time in-between my classes at school (more free time then I actually have class) SO! I have decided to do two things with this free time. The first being completely of inconsequence to the rest of this post (however being the type of person that I am I will disclose it to you) I plan on attending an additional Tae Kwon Do class right after my originally scheduled one (mostly because I suck and would like to get better and a faster rate then what I would if I only attended one). Secondly, and more a part of this topic I am going to start an experiment (cue dramatic music…. And silence).
The basis of this experiment is the increasing lack of “available” seating in the student lounges at my school. I say “available” as such because it is socially inappropriate to sit at an almost empty table with someone you don’t know. Now, I think that is a silly concept but “we” as humans seem to have the complete inability to say “hi” or even be comfortable sitting next to someone. For example when you are at a movie theater that is not particularly packed noticed how there is at least one seat in between each person or group of people. So the concept of taking up a whole table to yourself that could potentially sit three or four is a waste and plus isn’t college supposed to be about meeting people?
My theory is if you can be the instigator or social lubricant if you will and invite people to the table you inhabit that puts all the awkwardness on you and little on the person being squished in the uncomfortable left over seats. Ok so that is a basis and theory for an experiment now for the parameters of the actual experiment.
I being the experimenter during my time between classes will attempt to talk to and invite people who look like they are juggling various books and food to the table that I occupy (since typically I am in the lounge early enough to have my pick of tables) and at that stage I will attempt even in a small way to change the social norm even if only for that one person at that one time.
This is also an experiment on myself as I am not an extrovert by any means. Typically I love my alone time and tend to keep to myself. I hate bringing attention to myself and often get anxious or nervous at the thought of talking to someone I don’t know well. Today I started the experiment and met Lauren, She is a biology major and was trying to eat, read and write all while sitting in a chair juggling her many items. She gladly accepted my invitation to sit at the table and I (probably making the situation more awkward then it had to be) attempted small conversation but not to the point as to interrupt any studying she needed to do. It was slightly awkward at first but felt much more normal towards the end. Probably not going to be a new friend but hopefully this interaction will encourage more and may lead to meeting some fantastic new people. I am optimistic =)
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Thoughts on Dying. Part 1
Something I specifically love about the topic of Death is that NO ONE every really knows the truth about what happens after you die. Sure there are speculations, some passed down from mythos and some that have been "scientifically" vicariously observed. The great thing about this notion is that you can speculate all sorts of things and no speculation is right or wrong (granted some people may not think so, Again! sooo many fantastic opinions). I guess the first you have to decide on if you believe in some sort of afterlife or not. If you don't believe in one then you likely believe that all consciousness just ends when you die. No Heaven, No haunting, nothing. This thought often makes people uncomfortable because it is simply impossible to imagine not having a consciousness (try it). Imagine, no thoughts, no senses, things wouldn't even be black because you would have no sense of sight at all. Imagine nothingness. To many people this idea is horrifying and rightly so! So this idea has been tossed aside by many for a nicer idea of death, an afterlife. I personally like the idea of the afterlife, it gives me warm fuzzy feelings and I like it. (It is also my personal belief that it doesn't really matter what I believe so I can believe in anything that makes me feel the best but that is a whole 'nother topic)
The idea of an afterlife gives people hope. It give people a reason to be a good person. An off set idea of an afterlife which I particularly enjoy is the idea of cyclical consciousness or being reborn in another body. Again I don't believe and belief is right or wrong. It could be either and I am totally fine with the fact I will never actually know. I just have to do what I think is best and try to live my life to the fullest. (again I get side tracked). I like the idea of rebirth because it has all the fuzzies of the wonderful paradise beyond and the ability to live again. However it is my opinion that it truly doesn't matter what you chose to believe because we all find out eventually.
I wonder if my preoccupation with death seems a tad morbid. I honestly don't mean it in such a way. Actually I find it quiet fascinating. It is one of those subjects where you can sit and speculate for hours and never really know. (to be continued)
The idea of an afterlife gives people hope. It give people a reason to be a good person. An off set idea of an afterlife which I particularly enjoy is the idea of cyclical consciousness or being reborn in another body. Again I don't believe and belief is right or wrong. It could be either and I am totally fine with the fact I will never actually know. I just have to do what I think is best and try to live my life to the fullest. (again I get side tracked). I like the idea of rebirth because it has all the fuzzies of the wonderful paradise beyond and the ability to live again. However it is my opinion that it truly doesn't matter what you chose to believe because we all find out eventually.
I wonder if my preoccupation with death seems a tad morbid. I honestly don't mean it in such a way. Actually I find it quiet fascinating. It is one of those subjects where you can sit and speculate for hours and never really know. (to be continued)
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Thoughts on Thinking
.
"I just don't want to think about it tonight..." Does this sound familiar? I can remember quiet a few times I have muttered/thought/spoke this sentence. Then I have to stop myself and think "Why not?" Taking a breather and thinking about major events or things in your life is a good way to feel more assured in your actions. Of course this is merely my perspective but I really enjoy a good think. Some may say I over analyze everything and can often take a long time to decide on something but that is merely because I do not feel rushed ever to jump to any decisions. I feel it is much more important to make the right decision then the quick one. There is simply no reason to rush through anything.
When something bad happens and it hurts to think about it, people tend to run away from it. They busy themselves with superficial tasks in order to distract themselves from the problem at hand. It is my opinion that doing such things only allows the problem to spread roots into your being. The roots grow like weeds and over time become tougher and tougher to pull out. This is why it is good to take the time to think about problems as they come. First you need to determine if said problem or outcome is capable of change in your favor. If it is not in your power to change the situation then you must figure out a way to change or adapt yourself. This maybe as simple as accepting whatever is going on and figuring out a way to be happy in whatever the situation is. OR it could be as difficult as having to change your whole attitude and something about yourself in order to make the situation smoother. If it is in your power to change the situation for the better then you need to determine how to go about doing that.
So often our pride gets in the way of being able to fully think about something. We often jump to conclusions that we would typical draw upon based on the original personality and thought schematics we have put in place. Thus we are unable or unwilling to change our thought processes in our favor. The truth is that the human mind is not so rigid. So often if you can sit down and think about something and in-vision all ways of viewing said situation you should be able to chose which way you want to think in order to remain as happy as possible,
To be continued..... muhahahahaha
"I just don't want to think about it tonight..." Does this sound familiar? I can remember quiet a few times I have muttered/thought/spoke this sentence. Then I have to stop myself and think "Why not?" Taking a breather and thinking about major events or things in your life is a good way to feel more assured in your actions. Of course this is merely my perspective but I really enjoy a good think. Some may say I over analyze everything and can often take a long time to decide on something but that is merely because I do not feel rushed ever to jump to any decisions. I feel it is much more important to make the right decision then the quick one. There is simply no reason to rush through anything.
When something bad happens and it hurts to think about it, people tend to run away from it. They busy themselves with superficial tasks in order to distract themselves from the problem at hand. It is my opinion that doing such things only allows the problem to spread roots into your being. The roots grow like weeds and over time become tougher and tougher to pull out. This is why it is good to take the time to think about problems as they come. First you need to determine if said problem or outcome is capable of change in your favor. If it is not in your power to change the situation then you must figure out a way to change or adapt yourself. This maybe as simple as accepting whatever is going on and figuring out a way to be happy in whatever the situation is. OR it could be as difficult as having to change your whole attitude and something about yourself in order to make the situation smoother. If it is in your power to change the situation for the better then you need to determine how to go about doing that.
So often our pride gets in the way of being able to fully think about something. We often jump to conclusions that we would typical draw upon based on the original personality and thought schematics we have put in place. Thus we are unable or unwilling to change our thought processes in our favor. The truth is that the human mind is not so rigid. So often if you can sit down and think about something and in-vision all ways of viewing said situation you should be able to chose which way you want to think in order to remain as happy as possible,
To be continued..... muhahahahaha
Monday, July 11, 2011
Self Esteem, Love and Worthy-ness
So originally I was going to make my next blog post about deciding what has meaning to you and the fact that nothing is inherently meaningful. I have decided to put those ideas on hold to write this blog post. Which may not have pictures in it till I have found some more suitable ones from the ones I still have yet to upload (from oh so long ago).
Anyway, Today I am going to talk about a realization I have had rather recently and something that has been dwelling deep within me for quiet some time. Being human and female (though I am not dis-acknowledging that males deal with this just as much as females) I have been told from birth that I have to conform to this social beauty norm otherwise I am unworthy. I have been made to feel like nothing I do is good enough and pitted against my fellow females in this horrible contest of who is more fuck-able.
I have realized that my self esteem has plummeted to the depths Titantic could only dream of. I didn't realize till recently how much of an affect that has had on my life. I have come to the realization that I will never find that fairytale love if I see myself as the wicked witch or the deformed hunchback character. Sadly I can say for a fact that I am most certainly not alone in this problem. Every single person I know has some inadequacy issue for something or other and its ridiculous. It is stupid to let the world tell you that you are not good enough. Who decides this? What is considered good enough? Comparing yourself to anyone else in this world is a ridiculous thing that we all do. Every human on this planet is different. We all have different perceptions of reality and what we deem as good enough (though we never seem to include ourselves in this ideal).
My goal right now is to increase my own self esteem and help those around me do the same. I realized that no one is going to love me or see my potential till I love myself. How can I expect people to see something I cannot?
How do I plan to fix years of conditioning? Well I am going to completely reprogram my brain. I am going to destroy the neural highways that instantly think "God I'm fat" when I look in the mirror and instead build new roads to " damn I'm sexy" and "Hey baby" *wink* *wink*. I am going to work on accepting the things I cannot change about myself and work on things that I don't like that are change-able (like being healthier).
This is going to be a long road but I am optimistic. (Of course it helps talking to my roommate and having her tell me that she thinks if anyone can completely rewrite their brain it would be me- Yay support!). I am excited to feel better about myself and even more excited to kill the cycles I have been going through my whole life. I am committed 100% to raising mine and those around me self esteems and trying to create a more realistic and positive perspective of the world around me.
I admit that I feel quiet silly looking in the mirror and telling myself how awesome I am but I will continue to make myself do it till I believe it. I hope everyone can learn to love themselves for the beautiful people they are. Everyone is beautiful in their own way and this whole "standard" of beauty that we have inflicted on ourselves is something I just cannot stand behind anymore. I am beautiful damn it, I may never be in any magazines and I might never be considered the "pretty one" out of my friends but I am awesome. I fucking care about people and am aware of myself and how my actions affect the world. I am careful to tread lightly on this world and genuinely want to help people. I do the best I can in every circumstance and always try to do what my heart tells me is right. I have a strict self imposed moral code and I live my life to its fullest. I love destroying norms and am in the process of building a wonderful perception of my own happy world. Life is wonderful and I can do anything. I have made it through many tough times but I am not angry about it I am happy to have the experiences I have had. They made me the person I am today. I know that no matter what happens I can and will pull through! The wonderful thing about all this is that everyone and anyone can live like this. It costs nothing. Love is free. I love you!
Anyway, Today I am going to talk about a realization I have had rather recently and something that has been dwelling deep within me for quiet some time. Being human and female (though I am not dis-acknowledging that males deal with this just as much as females) I have been told from birth that I have to conform to this social beauty norm otherwise I am unworthy. I have been made to feel like nothing I do is good enough and pitted against my fellow females in this horrible contest of who is more fuck-able.
I have realized that my self esteem has plummeted to the depths Titantic could only dream of. I didn't realize till recently how much of an affect that has had on my life. I have come to the realization that I will never find that fairytale love if I see myself as the wicked witch or the deformed hunchback character. Sadly I can say for a fact that I am most certainly not alone in this problem. Every single person I know has some inadequacy issue for something or other and its ridiculous. It is stupid to let the world tell you that you are not good enough. Who decides this? What is considered good enough? Comparing yourself to anyone else in this world is a ridiculous thing that we all do. Every human on this planet is different. We all have different perceptions of reality and what we deem as good enough (though we never seem to include ourselves in this ideal).
My goal right now is to increase my own self esteem and help those around me do the same. I realized that no one is going to love me or see my potential till I love myself. How can I expect people to see something I cannot?
How do I plan to fix years of conditioning? Well I am going to completely reprogram my brain. I am going to destroy the neural highways that instantly think "God I'm fat" when I look in the mirror and instead build new roads to " damn I'm sexy" and "Hey baby" *wink* *wink*. I am going to work on accepting the things I cannot change about myself and work on things that I don't like that are change-able (like being healthier).
This is going to be a long road but I am optimistic. (Of course it helps talking to my roommate and having her tell me that she thinks if anyone can completely rewrite their brain it would be me- Yay support!). I am excited to feel better about myself and even more excited to kill the cycles I have been going through my whole life. I am committed 100% to raising mine and those around me self esteems and trying to create a more realistic and positive perspective of the world around me.
I admit that I feel quiet silly looking in the mirror and telling myself how awesome I am but I will continue to make myself do it till I believe it. I hope everyone can learn to love themselves for the beautiful people they are. Everyone is beautiful in their own way and this whole "standard" of beauty that we have inflicted on ourselves is something I just cannot stand behind anymore. I am beautiful damn it, I may never be in any magazines and I might never be considered the "pretty one" out of my friends but I am awesome. I fucking care about people and am aware of myself and how my actions affect the world. I am careful to tread lightly on this world and genuinely want to help people. I do the best I can in every circumstance and always try to do what my heart tells me is right. I have a strict self imposed moral code and I live my life to its fullest. I love destroying norms and am in the process of building a wonderful perception of my own happy world. Life is wonderful and I can do anything. I have made it through many tough times but I am not angry about it I am happy to have the experiences I have had. They made me the person I am today. I know that no matter what happens I can and will pull through! The wonderful thing about all this is that everyone and anyone can live like this. It costs nothing. Love is free. I love you!
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