Thoughts on Dying. Part 1

Something I specifically love about the topic of Death is that NO ONE every really knows the truth about what happens after you die. Sure there are speculations, some passed down from mythos and some that have been "scientifically" vicariously observed. The great thing about this notion is that you can speculate all sorts of things and no speculation is right or wrong (granted some people may not think so, Again! sooo many fantastic opinions). I guess the first you have to decide on if you believe in some sort of afterlife or not. If you don't believe in one then you likely believe that all consciousness just ends when you die. No Heaven, No haunting, nothing. This thought often makes people uncomfortable because it is simply impossible to imagine not having a consciousness (try it). Imagine, no thoughts, no senses, things wouldn't even be black because you would have no sense of sight at all. Imagine nothingness. To many people this idea is horrifying and rightly so! So this idea has been tossed aside by many for a nicer idea of death, an afterlife. I personally like the idea of the afterlife, it gives me warm fuzzy feelings and I like it.  (It is also my personal belief that it doesn't really matter what I believe so I can believe in anything that makes me feel the best but that is a whole 'nother topic)

The idea of an afterlife gives people hope. It give people a reason to be a good person. An off set idea of an afterlife which I particularly enjoy is the idea of cyclical consciousness or being reborn in another body. Again I don't believe and belief is right or wrong. It could be either and I am totally fine with the fact I will never actually know. I just have to do what I think is best and try to live my life to the fullest. (again I get side tracked). I like the idea of rebirth because it has all the fuzzies of the wonderful paradise beyond and the ability to live again. However it is my opinion that it truly doesn't matter what you chose to believe because we all find out eventually. 

I wonder if my preoccupation with death seems a tad morbid. I honestly don't mean it in such a way. Actually I find it quiet fascinating. It is one of those subjects where you can sit and speculate for hours and never really know. (to be continued)

Thoughts on Thinking

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"I just don't want to think about it tonight..." Does this sound familiar? I can remember quiet a few times I have muttered/thought/spoke this sentence. Then I have to stop myself and think "Why not?" Taking a breather and thinking about major events or things in your life is a good way to feel more assured in your actions. Of course this is merely my perspective but I really enjoy a good think. Some may say I over analyze everything and can often take a long time to decide on something but that is merely because I do not feel rushed ever to jump to any decisions. I feel it is much more important to make the right decision then the quick one. There is simply no reason to rush through anything.

When something bad happens and it hurts to think about it, people tend to run away from it. They busy themselves with superficial tasks in order to distract themselves from the problem at hand. It is my opinion that doing such things only allows the problem to spread roots into your being. The roots grow like weeds and over time become tougher and tougher to pull out. This is why it is good to take the time to think about problems as they come. First you need to determine if said problem or outcome is capable of change in your favor. If it is not in your power to change the situation then you must figure out a way to change or adapt yourself. This maybe as simple as accepting whatever is going on and figuring out a way to be happy in whatever the situation is. OR it could be as difficult as having to change your whole attitude and something about yourself in order to make the situation smoother. If it is in your power to change the situation for the better then you need to determine how to go about doing that.

So often our pride gets in the way of being able to fully think about something. We often jump to  conclusions that we would typical draw upon based on the original personality and thought schematics we have put in place. Thus we  are unable or unwilling to change our thought processes in our favor. The truth is that the human mind is not so rigid. So often if you can sit down and think about something and in-vision all ways of viewing said situation you should be able to chose which way you want to think in order to remain as happy as possible,

To be continued..... muhahahahaha

Self Esteem, Love and Worthy-ness

So originally I was going to make my next blog post about deciding what has meaning to you and the fact that nothing is inherently meaningful. I have decided to put those ideas on hold to write this blog post. Which may not have pictures in it till I have found some more suitable ones from the ones I still have yet to upload (from oh so long ago).

Anyway, Today I am going to talk about a realization I have had rather recently and something that has been dwelling deep within me for quiet some time. Being human and female (though I am not dis-acknowledging that males deal with this just as much as females) I have been told from birth that I have to conform to this social beauty norm otherwise I am unworthy. I have been made to feel like nothing I do is good enough and pitted against my fellow females in this horrible contest of who is more fuck-able.

I have realized that my self esteem has plummeted to the depths Titantic could only dream of. I didn't realize till recently how much of an affect that has had on my life. I have come to the realization that I will never find that fairytale love if I see myself as the wicked witch or the deformed hunchback character. Sadly I can say for a fact that I am most certainly not alone in this problem. Every single person I know has some inadequacy issue for something or other and its ridiculous. It is stupid to let the world tell you that you are not good enough. Who decides this? What is considered good enough? Comparing yourself to anyone else in this world is a ridiculous thing that we all do. Every human on this planet is different. We all have different perceptions of reality and what we deem as good enough (though we never seem to include ourselves in this ideal).

My goal right now is to increase my own self esteem and help those around me do the same. I realized that no one is going to love me or see my potential till I love myself. How can I expect people to see something I cannot?

How do I plan to fix years of conditioning? Well I am going to completely reprogram my brain. I am going to destroy the neural highways that instantly think "God I'm fat" when I look in the mirror and instead build  new roads to " damn I'm sexy" and "Hey baby" *wink* *wink*.  I am going to work on accepting the things I cannot change about myself and work on things that I don't like that are change-able (like being healthier).

This is going to be a long road but I am optimistic. (Of course it helps talking to my roommate and having her tell me that she thinks if anyone can completely rewrite their brain it would be me- Yay support!). I am excited to feel better about myself and even more excited to kill the cycles I have been going through my whole life. I am committed 100% to raising mine and those around me self esteems and trying to create a more realistic and positive perspective of the world around me.

I admit that I feel quiet silly looking in the mirror and telling myself how awesome I am but I will continue to make myself do it till I believe it. I hope everyone can learn to love themselves for the beautiful people they are. Everyone is beautiful in their own way and this whole "standard" of beauty that we have inflicted on ourselves is something I just cannot stand behind anymore. I am beautiful damn it, I may never be in any magazines and I might never be considered the "pretty one" out of my friends but I am awesome. I fucking care about people and am aware of myself and how my actions affect the world. I am careful to tread lightly on this world and genuinely want to help people. I do the best I can in every circumstance and always try to do what my heart tells me is right. I have a strict self imposed moral code and I live my life to its fullest. I love destroying norms and am in the process of building a wonderful perception of my own happy world. Life is wonderful and I can do anything. I have made it through many tough times but I am not angry about it I am happy to have the experiences I have had. They made me the person I am today. I know that no matter what happens I can and will pull through! The wonderful thing about all this is that everyone and anyone can live like this. It costs nothing. Love is free. I love you!

Finding the Beauty in the Break Down.

If there is something that I have learned from reading modern day psychology that has seemingly held true (at least so far) is that holding in your feelings is the most destructive habit that the mass populace has taken to. I think that allowing yourself to feel the way you do at the moment you feel it is a great habit to take up. However I do not mean that you should allow yourself to take out how you feel on others. The best way to deal with an emotion is to stop, allow yourself the fully feel everything that comes with that emotion. Then once you have felt it you have sat and thought about it and why you feel that way (even if you have no clue at the time) you have to do something to express it (release it) sometimes this takes an action such as screaming, crying, or dancing your brains out in your room. Sometimes it is as easy as consciously releasing yourself from said emotion.

Now often it helps to talk it out with someone. I have learned (from being very bad about this) that should you feel the need to talk out your feelings with someone you need to be aware of said person and where they are at. You must make sure that it is in no way burdening the other person. Before you storm into a room or frantically call someone and before they can even eek out a hello you start ranting and raving about whatever you need to calm yourself down, ask them about their day, and ASK them if they are in a position to help you.

Far to often we end up burdening others and our relationships with others by simply trying to release our emotions but we don't stop and think that it is possible that the person you are confiding in my not be able to help you at that time. Not that they don't want to and not that they don't care but every day is filled with countless of perspectives. Just because you spent your day at work doesn't mean that they didn't also. Just because they may seem unworried or untethered by something doesn't mean that they don't have a million things on their mind. You adding one more thing can really be the straw that breaks the camels back. Even though they might not show it you could be damaging your relationship with that person. (Let me add again that I am still working on this and am in no way an expert on how to rid yourself of this so when I figure it all out I will let you know).

Now there is such a thing on dwelling on your problems too much. You need to know when you have beaten a dead guilt horse to the ground. If emotions keep surfacing then you need to find out what the source of the problem is and address your mindset about the source. You don't have to make everything better you just have to change your mind about what happened. I think I talked a bit about before about how we constantly persecute ourselves over and over without any sense that justice has been fulfilled. We are cruel to ourselves because we are too stubborn to forgive. We are too stubborn to allow our minds to be flexible. If you find yourself consistently upset about something in the past and you just can't shake that feeling then take a step back and look at every perspective.

Say you had a bad break up. At the end of it you hate the person.  You cannot shake the feelings of hatred and sadness about the failure of the relationship. Instead stop and take a look at the wonderful experience you had when you were falling in love. Relish the memories of all the good things and weigh out the bad things. Repeat the entire time you are remembering that "nothing lasts forever" "Everything changes" Don't punish yourself for the "failing" when you never did. Things simply changed. This is natural. This is how life works. Think about what you learned from the experience. You are one step closer to figuring it out. You now know another way that doesn't work another thing about yourself that you didn't see before.

Every single time we fall down and every time we pull ourselves up we realize that nothing is ever impossible. There is always a way. There is always a natural path and no matter what path we try to take we will always end up back to that natural way. So really there is nothing to worry about. Take care of what needs to be done in the present and don't bother to think about what you "should be" "need to do" "want" in the future. The future is a made up thing. We are constantly in the now and that is all that matters.

We are raised to constantly plan for the future. Constantly, every single minute of our supposed "future" is laid out and we are told we have to decide right now! Damn it! Figure out what you want to be when you grow up! Find yourself a mate! Have babies! Have a Life! Do what you dream! You must pick your LIFELONG dream right now! What do you want to dream of for the rest of your life? This is an absurd question that anyone should ever have to answer. Sure you should figure out what you like to do and go towards what you like in everything you try BUT that doesn't mean you have to like it forever. One of the fantastic things about the mind is our ability to change it. Nothing lasts forever. Everything will change.

I apologize for the lack of photos in the post. Nothing seemed to say what I needed and well this was entirely unplanned. Maybe a little too personal to distract from it with pretty pictures of someone posed in a nice way.

I deeply and sincerely want to leave you with this thought. It is a thought that I imagine someone leaving me. It is a thought that I leave myself in times where I have come to the realization that I am able to leave myself with thoughts, times that I realize that talking to yourself and thinking to yourself and giving yourself advice is actually a really good idea.I want you to have no doubt, whoever you are (it doesn't matter who you are because for this brief moment when you were reading this stupid blog you were with me and we have just shared more then most people I have spoken to) I love you. I love you more then a billion languages can express. I want your happiness more then anything. I want you to believe that no matter what is going on, you are the wind, the sea, the earth and the stars to me. I hope that made you smile =)

Say What You Mean and Mean What You Say....

For many of you who know me in real life you probably know what fueled this post....

It seems to me that the concept of the "little white lie" has gotten wildly out of hand. Of course I am all about dealing with situations compassionately however, there is such a thing as ....oh how can I put this....Lying your pants off. Also people seem to think that by leaving information out or just not mentioning it they are not lying. This is a terrible idea that will get you into just as much trouble as straight up lying.

Your spoken word has power. When you make plans with someone it is only polite to tell the truth. The truth about what time you are available. The truth about wanting to actually hang out and also the truth about plans changing. In example... Making plans only to be unreachable the day of said plans is lying. If you say you are going to do something then do it. If for some reason you can't then own up to it and tell the person. I can tell you that 99% of the time I am ever mad at anyone is when they break plans with me and fail to let me in on what is going on. It is among the worst feelings in the world to wait around for a phone that is never going to ring. Especially when it would be so easy to call and just say "Hey I can't make it today."

It seems to me one of the biggest instigators of lying is when peoples feelings are at stake. We tend to want to please everyone all the time. Realizing that this is simply and impossible task is the first step. Being responsible and telling the truth in the first place is the only way to minimize possible upset. One example of this that comes to mind is not leading people on romantically. When you are upfront about how you feel and where you are then things are less likely to become confusing and also the persons involved are less likely to feel misled. If you say first off "I don't want a relationship" or "I like you but not that way" of course the person who has feelings for you is going to be a little disappointed but it's MUCH better then several months later finding out after they have had time to get their hopes up.

The ability to communicate is one of the world biggest gifts and responsibilities. Lack of communication is just as bad as misleading someone. When you leave out parts of information thinking that the other person will never know the difference and then said person finds out that you left something out....that seems fishy doesn't it. Even if it is really nothing. Say you want to go hang out with a friend of the opposite sex who you have no interest in sexually. Your boyfriend/girlfriend asks what you did last night. You say "Just went out with a friend." You intentionally avoid putting a gender on said friend because you are worried your significant other will think you cheated on them. Then later they find out who you went out with. They are much more likely to get upset because they are going to wonder why you left out that one little detail.  People can be remarkably understanding when you are honest in the first place.

Now I completely understand that sometimes fessing up can seem terrifying and really you would rather not deal with it. Unfortunately it's your own fault for not being careful enough with your words in the first place. This is why you must always be mindful of what you say and how you act around others. Try not to double book yourself and always be considerate of other peoples schedules. Your life will become much less complicated when you don't have to keep track of a thousand little lies.

People are far to often careless with their words. I feel that this is one of those things that can be easily changed and make the world a much better place. Honesty is always the best way to go about things. It is apart of doing your best in all instances. When you are honest you can feel better about yourself because you don't have to fear someone finding out your secret.

Live Your Life With Nothing to Regret

I'm going to share a revelation I have made this past year. You are your own worst enemy. You are your own judge, jury and executioner. It is funny how easily we will forgive the people we love yet how hard it is to forgive yourself. Do yourself a favor and forgive yourself for the times in your past that you regret. It's time to realize that everyone makes mistakes. Holding onto needless guilt (and believe me all guilt is needless) is a waste of time and energy. Berating and punishing yourself every single time you remember the thing you regret is not justice. Learn your lesson and move on with your life. That is what life is about. Experience, good and bad. There is nothing to regret if you took something away from the situation. Even when you feel your life is falling apart there is always beauty to be found. Even when you think nothing will ever be the same you have something to look forward to. A new day can bring with it so many possibilities as long as you let it. We create our own reality and it is our responsibility to create a world that is livable.

Take time to enjoy the world around you. This is something I have been sort of fighting with my coworkers about. They just can't understand why I can be so upset about getting more hours at work. The thing is that I value my free time more then I value really anything else. I like to live my life. I work only so I can support myself in society. Otherwise my job is not my life. I don't want it to be my life and I will never allow it to consume me. Yes money is nice and being able to afford the things I want is great but things are not experiences I won't learn anything from having a new coat or whatever it is I want. This is another reason why I am so willing to spend the money I do have on others. I would rather go have lunch with a friend and chat for hours then use that extra five to seven dollars on something for myself. There is no amount of money that can make up for losing time.

For some reason it seems that the idea of fun is something that is reserved for kids. I say its a necessity for everyone. There is however no reason you cannot have fun at your place of work. Hopefully you will be working in a field that you enjoy but if you are like 90% of everyone else and your working somewhere just to get by then make the most of it. Living your life with nothing to regret is about doing your best at all times because even if you fail you can feel good knowing you tried your damnedest.

Something I have been trying to do is to create more I-thou relationships with the people I encounter in everyday life. Instead of the typical I-it in which the person who serves you coffee is just a machine that provides a service. Take time to talk to them. Learn something about them. Genuinely care about what they have to say. You can go a long way by just caring about people. The old saying is completely true, you get way more flies with honey then with vinegar. Imagine yourself in their shoes. The opposite is also true. When you are working and you are doing your job and someone is not nice to you take that as a challenge to make them feel better. When that customer in line gets fussy about having to wait brush off their anger and realize there are so many reasons they could be in a bad mood. Maybe their dog died earlier that morning and they really don't want to run errands but have to. I had that exact thing happen to me. A guy screamed at me because there was a line at the cash register. Is it fair? No, but it was not something either of us could completely control. Everyone has their off days. Everyone messes up from time to time. I'm sure I have let loose on someone for something that wasn't their fault. You have to realize that we are all not so different. Sure everyone has a different past but inside we all deal with the same emotions. We all have cried, screamed and laughed. The more understanding you can be when someone is having problems the better the world will be. Who knows it might be your concern that turns their day around. Really making someone feel better is the best thing you could do with your time.

Hope for Humanity

You know how sometimes you catch moments of life and wish you had taken your camera out sooner? Well here is a photo that such a thing happened. I will describe the full scene to the best of my ability but this photo is a reminder to me of just how good some people are.

Ok first of all this is a group of kids helping up a homeless man who had fallen on the street and couldn't get up. First I want to stress that none of these kids were walking together. They were all walking separately down the street and all banded together to help the man up. Next I want say that just to the left of them is about 10-15 men is suits waiting for the bus. Not one of the men in suits would help the guy up even though they were all right there when he fell. I was walking on the other side of the street and was unable to capture the whole scene. This photo was taken about 4 years ago and still the actions of those kids today affect me. The funny thing is that the day this had happened I was having a rough year. My life was tumbling over itself and everything was pretty much going to shit. I had little to no faith in humanity and was a pretty depressed person.

The event in this photograph changed that for me. It gave me a more positive outlook and renewed my faith in humanity. This event even though it was so small, This tiny act of kindness has changed my life. It reaffirmed my belief in helping people. My belief that even though this world can be a dark place there is still a speck of light that will never fade. There will always be someone willing to lend a helping hand.

A Commentary on Modern Day Relationships and Love

I have to laugh when I think about the notion of love and relationships. It seems to me that as we grow everything gets more complicated  Including love and relationships. I laugh every time I think of all the "heart ache" I went through my teenage years desiring love, unrequited love and the like. Now it seems as I grow older the whole nuclear family the whole nuclear relationship seems so passe. So many people I know are in "non-relationship relationships" It seems to me the whole commitment love forever thing has been thrown out the window even though if you talk to people about what they want they describe the "traditional" love ideal.
It all seems so romantic in a completely unromantic sort of way.

Marriage seems like something that is so out of reach these days. At least for me who seems to be flip flop about whether or not I want to get married at all. I mean the ideal of marriage is so worn and destroyed these days what with divorce rates being so high and all. Is there really any purpose to it? Can't you just love someone with out the proclamation and paper work?  You don't even really get much of a tax break. So what is the point? I think many people struggle with this idea. I feel that romance has been deemed a silly tradition. I admittedly feel rather sad about this. I was raised on Disneys idea of love. I was told my whole life that one day my Prince would come and sweep me away and everything that was horrible would go away and we would ride off into our happily ever after. This of course has not aligned with my experience.

In my experience it is not finding someone to love that is the hard part but finding someone to love who will decide to love you back. That is where people hit brick walls and they hit them hard. We all have that perfect lover idea in our head. We skip over people who could be perfectly awesome if they do not fit that ideal. Everyone does it. I myself am often made fun of for the fact that I have a very obvious type. I can't help it. Neither can you. We all are attracted to who we are attracted to. It is no ones fault. It is not your fault for falling for someone who isn't into you and it is not their fault for not being attracted to you. That is just life. I would like to believe that one day I will find that "one." Even though I realize that that is a silly ideal it makes me happy to think of it.

This is likely a subject I will touch on often so I apologize for any redundancy on my part. I am still working out this whole idea myself. I doubt I will ever stop trying to figure it out. Also I have to ask myself.... "why are all these image in black and white".....it must mean something....right? The answer: Only if I want it to.

Beauty

For a long time I used to work with models doing random fashions shoots and art shoots. I still do on occasion but I find it funny that I often spent hours looking through photos of pretty girls deciding which one I would shoot with. I always had the same complaint... They all look the same. It was seriously like trying to find a needle in a haystack to find that one unique girl. I was looking through some of the photos today I had taken today and it got me thinking on this whole idea of beauty. There seems to be a very concrete concept of what is beautiful or what is ugly. Of course given peoples variety of tastes those ideals shift slightly but you would think there would be a greater shift then what is normally considered beautiful.

Butterflies are a good example of a grand mix of beauty and uniqueness. We have this conception that butterflies are beautiful so therefore all butterflies are beautiful. Why is it that we cannot have this idea of all people. Why are only some people coined the term "beautiful?" What makes them so? Is it a proportionate face, a slim healthy figure, Big eyes, Nice butt? What? Also isn't it funny that in the middle ages our ideal of beauty was that of the larger curvy women. Why was that case then but not now? Back in the middle ages men wanted women who could birth children. Curvy women do tend to have an easier time with that. Do modern day men not want children now?

What exactly instigated the shift between healthy curves to stick thin harmful diet plans?

Since when did eating things become so wrong? I feel the taste sense is not something that should be disregarded. Sure everything in moderation. The point is to maintain health not fit into that size zero because some magazine says you should. No matter what you believe, one life, multiple lives, You are only conscious for one at a time. Why would you deny yourself the pleasure for eating that one cookie, that one scoop of ice cream? Life is meant to be enjoyed. Why would you exclude a whole sense? Certainly in this day and age we are no strangers to using our senses for pleasure. Touch, sight, hearing even smell is all used frequently to bring about a blissful and happy experience so why not taste?

Another thing that bugs me about this whole notion of beauty thing is the fact that we seem to be pulling away from anything natural. The lengths some people will go through to be considered beautiful is ridiculous. Yes makeup is fun and sometimes it is fun to switch it up but the whole point of it is to add to your natural state not completely cover it up with layers and layers of paint. Beauty treatments can be scary sometimes. Have you seen some of the machines that supposedly turn you "beautiful?" They look like science fiction torture devices. Who ever thought of the term "pain is beauty" was a sadist. Again it comes down to moderation. Everything is alright in moderation. If you enjoy tanning then go for it but in moderation. Don't sit under a lamp till someone down the street comments "do you smell bacon?" and then you go to the doctor and are shocked when they diagnose you with skin cancer.

I guess the point I am trying to make is love yourself. It doesn't matter what you "add" to yourself. Nothing you do is going to change the way you look naturally by much. You have to learn to accept your "flaws" and I use that term loosely. Your flaws are what make you unique. Do you really want to be a carbon copy of what look is in? Being yourself and loving yourself will gain you more beauty then any product, diet or treatment ever will. People are automatically drawn to others who are comfortable in their own skin. If you love yourself people will see that and they will find reasons to love you back. If you are insecure then they will see that and find reasons for you to be insecure.  So stop sabotaging yourself!

Moments You Live For

So I figured to start out this photo blog I will post some pictures of my favorite moments or memories.

Rooftop Picnic at the Alley Cat

Paint fight at the park

Happy squid dance-Rhea

One of the first house shows I ever went to.

Cody at the sand dunes

Climbing buildings to watch the sunrise

Trying to capture christmas lights in Trevors eyes

Main Meadow at the Rainbow Gathering

The prettiest flower I have ever seen

Golden Gate Bridge from a small fishermans ship

Something I have noticed about all my favorite memories is that they all include people. Either the process of connecting with someone or meeting someone. One of the biggest reasons I have to live is those experiences of connecting to another individual. To me that feeling of connection is intoxicating. I adore it.  I think the Beatles had it right when they said "Love is all you need."

The love of friends, family, significant others, It is something we breath for. It is the one thing that nobody can do without.  Passion is one of the most important aspects of life. At least for me. I love adventure, experiences that make you feel...any emotion. It makes me feel alive.

Every single day I attempt to have an adventure even if it is small. I attempt to experience something. I try to keep my eyes open to every thing around me.  The world is a fantastic place. The colors all around us, the movement, the characters...somedays I feel I could sit and watch the world go by for forever. Unfortunately that is not the case. You have to maintain some sort of production, some sort of function. You have to be a member of society. That doesn't mean however you can't keep your eyes open to all the beauty and rhythm the world has to offer.

Lets give this a shot!

So I have decided to start a photo blog. I have realized that I have a ton of pictures of people experiencing life. Of course being the type of person I am I will probably ramble a little bit about philosophy, psychology along with posting photos. The goal of this blog is to share a little insight into my own world in the hopes of expanding yours (my readers, assuming there are any). I will attempt to take at least one photo a day and post that along with some old photos and stories and musings.

This is me. I can't make a serious face in photos. My name is Chrystal and as of this date and time I am a 24 year old loser artist girl. I take photos. I paint. I over analyze everything.  I think a ton about the universe, astronomy, philosophy and just about any other abstract concept you can imagine.  My life itself is not really that interesting thus why this blog will not really be exactly about my life but about capturing life around me and trying to explain it, enjoy it and understand it.